TV Judges

This is not going to be another one of those blog entries where I strenuously try to sound politically correct, or even bother to research the subject matter to arrive at that stubborn thing called Facts. I am going to state my opinions without embellishments.

There are way too many judges on TV!! That is my problem. And wait, I don't think I am being grumpy. I am just stating the facts. We simply don't need all these boorish, ill-tempered, bloviating, gavel-thumping legal clowns! And please, don't bother to tell me that they are legitimate judges, or that they really did pass the bar. Okay? Good..

Have you ever turned your TV on and was unfortunate to endure the torture of one of these TV courts shows? If you have, then I want to crave your indulgence. You may like these shows, or their hosts. Heck you may even consider them funny. If thats the case, you can forget about reading this. Quickly take your lunatic-loving, emotion-seeking, happy tushie to your TV and get busy with your remote. Deal? Hell, if you must read, read on at your own risk. Don't say you weren't warned.

If on the other hand, you have wondered how da hell these judges got to be on TV, or wondered if some of these judges deserved an afternoon with a shrink, do not worry. You are definitely not alone. I am now going to give my frank assessments of these telejurists so that you get a fair idea of why their courtroom antics rile me to no end. And oh, yes-- For those over-analytical, politically-correct, self-righteous TV-watching geeks (who are always ready to whip out their virtual pencils of knowledge to correct what they see as factual errors), do us a favor and go play with your new portable DVD player, okay?

Now  lets get down to the brass tacks....

Judge Greg Mathis: This is perhaps the worst of all these daytime TV judges. I don't know whether this dude, by force of habit, consumes 2 jugs of hard liquor before strutting out to the judge's seat. Or whether he is being remote controlled from some chamber hidden from public view. The reason is that I think this rude schmuck is the most scatter-brained and emotional clown who ever handled a gavel. His judgements are based on his unpredictable whims and this is the aspect of this clown that pisses me off the most. To win a case in this jerk's court, all you have to do is be patient enough in your responses and clear enough in your speech to win his sympathies or his understanding. Once you have done that, the defendant (if you are the plaintiff) or the plaintiff (if you are the defendant) is in for a spanking nightmarish time. Why? For the flimsiest reasons, Judge Mathis would start hyperventilating from the bench; screaming and yelling and generally acting like an abusive husband in a dysfunctional marriage. I swear, someone needs to hand this comedian a pet to calm him down, or one of these days, he is going to get a myocardial infarction and slump down on the court's floor--a clear victim of his extreme histrionics. To render effective judgment, a judge ought to be really logical and unemotional. Besides, he should not be seen trying to belittle or shout down the people over whom he supposedly has jurisdiction. Not so for judge Mathis. I think some master of practical pranks lied and told him that he was very funny and entertaining; or that his penchant for cutting people down is the stuff for a most entertaining TV show. If this unpredictable, foul-tempered, hollering character ever gets the time to review the court tapes, I really want to believe that he would see that he cuts across as a tormented bonehead presiding over some laughable domestic court. Indeed Judge Mathis' tortured version of television jurisprudence ought to fill anyone remotely tied to the legal system with shame. I say, give this dude some ritalin, have a teleprompter for him at the back of the court, cross your fingers and hope for the best!

Judge Joe Brown: Judge Joe Brown is the most boring judge ever. Ok you are asking me "Hey, you have something against Judge Joe Brown?" Pssst please-rather than watch this person, gimme a freaking telephone directory! Throw in an encyclopedia too. Ok you still don't get the picture? Rather than listen to his drawl, give me golf. That is a terrible thing for me to say about anybody's performance. Because, I would rather jab a fork in my eye than waste my time watching golf. And indeed, I am proud of the fact that I do not care about this "sport" enough to learn what it is all about. Judge Joe Brown has some positive traits but I am not hardpressed to figure it out or to tell you. I think someone needs to tell him to quit talking in that flat monotone. Sometimes I think this guy is on auto-pilot; and when his voice rises, his eyes flare or he leans forward and becomes a little bit more engaging then someone must have disengaged this auto-pilot feature. If you call yourself an insomniac then tune into his show and get ready for a long long sleep. For good measure, pick a bed of thorns and thistles, and use a rock for a pillow, I am still going to wager that you won't last through this show without dozing off. Wanna bet?

Judge Judy Sheindlein: I may have been wrong in my assessments of many things in life, I may have made many mistakes, but abso-freaking-lutely NOTHING will make me doubt my conclusion that Judge Judy was and still is a mental patient! This woman has some bizarre form of psychosis that is yet to make its entry into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). It is sad that rather than getting whisked off to some sanatorium in some remote hinterland in America (somewhere in Nebraska or Iowa) this twice-divorced (and for good reasons too), 64 year-old mother of five was granted a spot on National Television! Appearing in Judge Judy's court is akin to being in the presence of a ranting drill sergeant or being locked in an interrogation chamber.  The experience is so annoying that you almost want to reach out and strangle this shrill-voiced, impatient and insolent creature. She has been divorced for the past 16 years, and quite frankly, I cannot tell you with a straight face that her caustic remarks and generally snappy attitude are not correlatable to the fact that she misses something stiff and shiny in her life. And I say this not with spite but with the utmost degree of concern. Yeah, you can quote me. She needs to stop treating the people in her court as if they are her pesky and irritating grandchildren. If she doesn't do that, one of these days, someone will succumb to the temptation of giving her a thorough verbal lashing right from the plaintiff/defendant's box. Albeit, I must confess that the spectre of Judge Judy getting into a free-for-all with an aggravated guest on her show is must-see TV. Yeah, someone should bind that police officer when a real ghetto woman from the slums of Washington DC gets on the show and starts unleashing real verbal fireworks. Maybe that would temporarily return Judge Judy to the brink of sanity. Maybe... nooooo! Judge Judy is simply irrecoverable. You don't believe all I have said so far? Well, get on her show and then come back to tell me of the experience. What, you have been on her show and you think otherwise? Bite me then! You shouldn't be reading this anyway. Go and play in traffic, loser!

Judge Mabeline Ephraim: First of all, I think she is one of the better judges on television because she handles herself with respect, treats her guests fairly and quite frankly, has a cheerful sunny disposition. It also helps that she has a sense of humor. My problem is that I don't see her as a judge. I am sorry but she cuts across as a guidance counsellor or a marriage therapist. You know what? Scratch that! She seems like the homely nanny who you would like to confide in and tell things you wouldn't dream of telling your parents. Ok, maybe these are really backhanded compliments, but don't you think sometimes she seems too eager to hear the juicy and unimportant details in a divorce case over which she is presiding? Is it just me or does she indeed seem like a voyeur? It is her knack for cleverly getting these eager-to-reveal potential divorcees talking nineteen-to-dozen on deeply personal issues that gets my goat. If you are married or in a committed relationship, watching her show becomes a constant reminder of where your own marriage or relationship could be heading. If you are not married yet, watching her show forcibly reminds you of what you could be getting into. Both scenarios are depressing. If you disagree, then it means that you derive a sick, twisted pleasure in seeing a couple who have pledged  themselves to a life of love and commitment suddenly grow apart and shred themselves to bits on national television. And guess what that makes you? No, not "indifferent"--you sorry sack of horse manure--it makes you an effing sadist, a meanspirited anti-marriage femnazi or worse a nihilistic goth-punk! You might as well enjoy a documentary about stillbirth on Mothers' Day. Harsh? Maybe.  But applicable all the same.

Judge Marilyn Milian: She is the judge on Peoples' Court. I am sorry, but whenever I see her, I feel like raising my hand and giving her the "you can yap as much as you want cos i ain't listening" flapping mouth hand-gesture.  This is another woman that clearly needs sedatives, not because she is tempestuous (she can be when it suits her), but because she is hyperactive. She can barely wait to hear the facts in a case before she dives in, asks a bunch of directionless questions and then renders her judgment on some point which may not have been properly illuminated or discussed. Sometimes, I think that she imagines she is a magician. I just don't know she arrives at her weird conclusions.  The most annoying thing about this woman however is not in her antics on the bench, or the fact that you just don't know when she is serious or being silly with that smirk on her face. It is her manner of speech. She talks too fast. Yes she does. 90% of the time, the plaintiffs and defendants have quizzical expressions on their faces. I can't blame them though. Listening to this chatterbox of a judge is as taxing as listening to an audio device playing at double or triple the normal speed. Sometimes you wish someone would place an office desk on her chest to slow her down enough for people to follow her blitzkrieg-like speech. And lest you mistakenly assume this to be an indicator of her having some highly developed right hemispheral cerebral cortex, I am plainly saying she has a speech impediment and should quickly enlist the services of a speech therapist. It is hard enough tolerating these bespectacled power-conscious representatives of our judicial system, one must not also endure the torture of listening to them talk as if they are on fast-forward. Yeah, court clerk, read back what Her Honor just said to me please? And no, i am not wearing a hearing aid!!

Judge Glenda Hatchet: I don't have a lot of problems with this judge because I just will not watch her pointless banter. Her carriage and comportment reminds me of a school teacher or a principal so as you can imagine, her show is mindboringly dull. Maybe I shouldn't have any complaints because she handles petty and insignificant cases anyway. Had an argument with your friend over whose turn it was to throw out the garbage? Take it to Judge Hatchet's court. Arguing over who should pay for this week's movie ticket? Take it to Judge Hatchet's court. Hell, if you can't decide what color of outfit to wear, what meal to have or whether to make a left or a right on the freeway, you better hurry along to Judge Hatchet's court. Her court is for jokers. That does not mean you should sniff some laughing gas before entering her courtroom. Wait, you will be watching from your couch? Well then, sniff all you can. LOL, throw in a beer bong and have a party if she becomes too boring! But seriously though, I didn't say you should do drugs, cokehead. Why? Cos I am nice. Besides, if you do crack, you won't understand what you are watching. Uhm, beer would equally make you lose focus? Yeah whatever. Do whatever rocks your little boat. Its not as if Judge Judy will be there to jump down your throat.

Finally, if there are any other TV judges left (oh, there's judge Alex), they do not matter and so I won't be wasting my time analyzing them. Oh ye TV judges, do not feel slighted thou most sapient arbiters of the truth. Despair not, thou noblest dispensers of justice; thou who didst strive hard to master the codes and canons of the law. The truth, in the simplest of terms, is this: There are just too many of you telejurists out there. Talk about having too many chiefs and not enough indians! Yes indeed, too many cooks spoil the broth. Unless you are Italian. Regarding this assessment, I am quite serious.

Have a good day!

By the way, Jack is back! Woohooo!

[whistles some pirate song as he logs off]

tags: tv judges  greg mathis  joe brown  judy sheindlein  mabeline ephraim  marilyn  milian  glenda hatchet  judge alex  

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