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Marriage And The Nigerian Man/Woman
Nigeria is a country where most of the component ethnic nationalities have paternalistic, patriarchal, male-dominated cultures. In most of these sub-nationalities women are not necessarily being mistreated. Nevertheless, cultural expectations have gradually reinforced an unspoken deference to the male on many practical and traditional issues. For example:
- a man is the head of his household
- male children typically inherit a lion's share of their parents' earthly possession when they (parents) die
- some jobs are regarded 'male jobs' even if they may not necessarily be lucrative eg palm wine tapping, 'okada' operators, taxicab driving etc
- men initiate marriage proceedings
- a man can, in some places, marry more than one woman—but women could not marry more than one husband
- men typically officiate traditional rites and other sundry traditional practices
- men typically earn more than their female counterparts for doing equal work
- the children produced in a marriage belong the man (and his side of the family) automatically etc
In many cases, it could just be that there are more men than women in a particular field of endeavor—like the Police Force or the Nigerian armed forces. The result is that this unspoken but highly visible culturally created male dominance has given rise to behavior targeted at women which may quite be chauvinistic if not grossly intolerant. It is not surprising then that when many Nigerian men find themselves in foreign countries, they are shocked at the dramatic role reversal. Suddenly, they have to answer to female bosses; and furthermore deal with wives who are no longer as subservient as they once used to be. I am sure many Nigerian men who found themselves in child custody battles would have been stunned to discover that most judges would rule in favor of the wives.
It gets interesting if the man's wife earns more than he does. He may just discover much to his chagrin that he can no longer expect that his wife would prepare the meals, or even do any of the other things he might feel a lady ought to take care of in the home. Is it surprising then that when many Nigerian men (not all or most, by any means) want to marry a wife, they prefer to go back to Nigeria to marry a woman whom they feel has not caught the rabid version of the women's liberation craze that now runs rampant amongst many Nigerian women in the so-called "developed world"?
Be that as it may, one has to remark that there are still many Nigerian women who have not allowed the so-called 'liberties' that women enjoy today to rob them of their sense of responsibility and upbringing. These Nigerian ladies—rapidly thinning out though the number is—fully realize that they have to sacrifice and tolerate some excesses so that their families will live in peace and harmony. They understand that they come from a certain place with a certain culture and so would not readily dabble into the ostentatious, egocentric, and communication-deficient lifestyles that have contributed to the rather prevalent issue of divorce and separation found with the women of these so-called "developed countries".
So why then are many of their male counterparts, in increasing numbers, running off as it were to marry women at home in Nigeria or worse, other countries and cultures?
I can't speak for anyone but I make bold to remind many Nigerian women in the developed Western countries that they still have it better than most of their counterparts at home. At least, here in the US for example, a Nigerian woman can meet with many men of diverse backgrounds and hopefully strike a love connection. Also, they do not have to pass through the rigors associated with filing papers for newly immigrating spouses. Besides, as women who have already established themselves in the system, their financial contributions in any new marriage are invaluable.
On the other hand, if no man proposes or should they decide that they do not want to be married they can still lead fulfilling lives pursuing their respective careers without fear of some social stigma. If they are attracted to people of the same gender, they can live comfortably with their partners and even adopt children—things which are heavily frowned on back in Nigeria.
This is not the lot of many women in Nigeria. I have lots of sad stories about these gorgeous damsels who have been driven to desperate straits because they could not find a man to propose to them. I know of mature, responsible and educated women who are past their prime and since no man came to propose, they are now living lives of quiet desperation. They throng the churches, hoping upon hope that someday someone would be led to pop the big question. Yes, a few of them may have decent jobs but living in an environment like Nigeria, there is that subtle expectations chasm which they would most eagerly love to fill.
I have seen them in the universities where they live like glorified prostitutes, passing back and forth between randy professors who are only too glad to sleep with them in exchange for grades. They may have a string of boyfriends too but something quite indecipherable keeps the engagement rings off their fingers. So after graduating from these universities (if at all they do graduate), they move off to the big cities where they resume their pastime of trolling for sugar daddies or any man willing to pay for their subsistence in exchange for sex or companionship.
I have seen some bemoaning their misfortunes that come from relatively well-to-do families. Because of their exalted estate, many of these ladies might have frittered away their chances at getting married when they were much younger because they had a lot of suitors seeking their hand in marriage. Sad isn't it? Some lost their chances because they were too picky; some just didn't want to get married since dad was always around to provide for her material needs. Some were thought to come from "cursed" families and so potential suitors unfailingly beat a path away from their doors; some were handicapped and abandoned. These women (no matter how rich and sheltered they are) were by society's convention regarded to be less than desirable, incomplete, or downright unfortunate.
I personally know one lady who always dreamed she would be married before her 26th birthday. When she got to 28 years and no man was coming she became very frantic and desperate. Then she 'hooked' a man when she turned 29 and worked very hard at the relationship—doing all that was within her power to make sure the man proposed. After throwing in 5 years into the relationship, she heard the shocking news that the man she hoped would marry her has married another woman. She went clinically insane. I mean, she lost her grip on her mental faculties and became deranged. And there are many stories of this nature if one really bothers to investigate.
Conclusively, marriage is a tricky thing which must be approached delicately and cautiously. Many Nigerian men who rushed off to get their wives from Nigeria came back scooping scorpions into their bosoms. When they cannot deal with the raw hand they've been dealt by these ladies who are appropriately wolves in sheep clothing, these hapless Nigerian men then turn into uxoricidal maniacs. Nigerian women in USA, Canada, or Europe should really feel lucky because they are still better of, in a manner of speaking, than many of their counterparts in Nigeria. Yes, the grass may seem to be greener on the other side, but we know that all that is not always the case. All that glitters is not necessarily gold...
